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"The Beast from the Sea is the Anti Christ, and the Beast from the Land is the False Religious Leader."

... Oh Christianity, Iapos;ve always known this, but you are all sorts of special fucked-up.

And to think that most Christians donapos;t know the difference between the Devil, the Antichrist, and the false religious leader. Youapos;d think they would, because itapos;s all sorts of glaringly obvious fucked-up.

For real. Terrifying. If I actually read the Bible, I think Iapos;d have nightmares for years.

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At last, the hormones in my body have stopped freaking out and I feel a little more put together.� Thank god.
Autumn is settling down its cool weather in Missoula.� I�enjoyed a walked yesterday in the warm sun,� remembered how much I�love Missoula.� I guess Iapos;m finally feeling like Iapos;ve a place of my own in Montana.� Itapos;s strange to think about Helena as a home- I�barely remember how to get around the place when Iapos;m back visiting family.� And in reality, I spent little over two years there...Iapos;ve been here for over three now.� I dread the impending freeze of the coming months.� The cold gray skies make me lonely and comfortably depressed.
In my prepatory class for teaching my cursed seminar, we discussed how we should start developing various modes of thinking freshman year, and that without realizing it, one day your gathered knowledge would all coalesce together.� Such a strange phenomenon, and itapos;s been happening to me this semester.� Iapos;m thinking about theory from Post-colonial Literature when listening to the radio, using my English strategies to inform my theatre lessons, and using old texts as sources for upcoming papers.� Itapos;s a very satisfying feeling, knowing that itapos;s all coming together.�

And at no better time than when Iapos;m a semester away from finishing my studies.� I had made a decision to finish school in five years, in order to give myself a chance to study theatre an extra semester.� However, the past few days have potentially changed all of that.�� I received an email from an old professor of mine, asking if anyone would be interested in student teaching in India at an IBO school.� I�immediately emailed her back, asking when would be the best time to do such a thing.� She replied, telling me it would be next fall with an opportunity to continue for the rest of the school year with pay and benefits....but that I needed to check to make sure it would could toward my certification. Holy. Shit. Now watch me freak out.� It has been a dream of mine to teach abroad, and if I could, student teach. But I had no "in" to do so- until now, that is.� Suddenly, I might only have one semester left of school- something I have not mentally come to terms with.� and only a semester left to study theatre as much as possible (making up for how much Iapos;ve neglected it for the past three years.)� If I do this, if I�teach in India come August.... Sacrifices will have to be made now.� That means relinquishing my role as SFC organizer-� something Iapos;ve been looking forward to and planning for months now, and risking the group falling apart because of it. That means allowing myself to give up one love for another dream.� I know Iapos;ll feel I�failed myself if I�do, but I also know I�wonapos;t forgive myself if I donapos;t take this opportunity.�
and I canapos;t even let myself really get to this step yet anyway, because this could also not count as a student teaching.. I am failing to cross that bridge when I�get to it.� Too much chance and excitement up in the air.� I should find out in the next couple days. �
How queer life is...
�

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Roar�Iapos;ve been so busy that I�havenapos;t posted here in ages�Anyway, whatapos;s new in my world of writing... Psychogenesis is fairly underway�Itapos;s my favorite romance that Iapos;ve written so far�I�look forward VERY�much to finishing it. By Light of the Harvest Moon has taken an unannounced vacation and Iapos;m still waiting for it to come back -_- stubborn characters...

��������� But in more recent news�My NaNoWriMo story for this year is titled Disjuncta Membra, latin for "the scattered remains"�^_^�Itapos;s a contemporary/urban fantasy about a middle-school boy named Milan who is one of the imprinted. The imprinted have existed all throughout history, but nobody knows why. Some bear their mark from birth, others find themself labeled after certain events in their lives.�
���������For Milan, he is marked with a blue waning crescent below his right eye. His older sister died from cancer at the age of 20, when Milan was 10, and her boyfriend blamed her family for it. One day when Milan came home from school, he found his parents murdered and his sisterapos;s boyfriend standing over them. Before the police showed up, Milan had already been molested and brutally beaten. The event caused him to withdraw so far into himself that he lost the capability to feel any and all emotions of his own, but in exchange he felt the every emotion of anyone around him - he had been imprinted. The story starts when he is 14,�living with his�aunt, uncle, and cousin (a�girl his age,�named Jasmine).
�������� But those who are imprinted are not deemed as such for life - if they get back that which they lost, they can overcome the mark and become "normal" again. But what exactly is "normal"? Whatever it is, is it worth it? Milan doesnapos;t think so.
������� Then he meets a transfer student named Shiori, a girl who has been marked since birth. She was born deaf but with the ability to hear the thoughts of those around her. Having never known sound, she has no desire for it; her label is that of a green akoben beside her left ear. As the two become friends and meet others like them who are marked, such as the sullen part-time-college-student Arian, they begin to change their views of the world and of each other. During the difficult transition from middle school to high school, social prejudices are at their worst - and the imprinted have always been shunned. Can they get by with nothing but each other and the promise that one day they, too, can obtain that which they have lost?

And thatapos;s what itapos;s about =D�Iapos;m soooo excited to get to work on it soon Itapos;s a very emotional story. Arian is a very sad character. Sadder than Milan, in my opinion. But I�think that if Milan could feel, he would be sadder. Itapos;s just that Arian bears the mark of a grey sanfoka on his forehead, and he is a post-cog who is slowly losing his own memories of the past as they are replaced by the events, sensations, and memories he perceives due to his mark. He became marked after his girlfriend got into a car accident and found herself comatose since it occured. She was marked since birth as a pre-cog, and would only be set free when one of her visions was proved wrong. The day of the accident, she told Arian that it would only occur if he came and so he should stay home. He did; she lied. It only occurred because he didnapos;t come, and with that her vision was proven wrong and she lost her mark. Arian waits for the day she is able to regain consciousness. He had always told her that he didnapos;t think a vision could be wrong and that he thought she would be marked forever; as such, he blames himself. As he slowly loses his memories of her and of his own life, he desperately searches for a way to become normal again.
So compared to Milan who doesnapos;t seem to care (at first) whether heapos;s marked or not, Arian makes me so sad�*huggles Arian* But I�love them all ^.^�None of that is really spoiler, since itapos;s basic plot knowledge anyway. Iapos;m just looking forward to writing it all very, very much. They all get happy endings. Well, somewhat happy endings. Bittersweet happiness.

Why Disjuncta Membra? Itapos;s latin, sounds awesome, and it DOES�make sense if you think about it. When someone loses something about themselves, they gain something in return to manitain the balance - that is how one becomes marked. They have to be able to get back what they lost to cancel out what they gained. The remains of what they lost are scattered, as in they are difficult to find. See?�Do n0t questi0n mah div1n3 log1c XD

Oh dear, I�had best be going now. I�have to play somewhere soon =O�My first playing job�Itapos;s with another flute player from school. Weapos;re only playing for 2 hours, but we each get $50, which is really damn good in my opinion. Iapos;m psyched - I�can buy manga after this Iapos;ll post more about Disjuncta Membra in the near future.

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My knee is infected and it hurts like hell. Apparently, my knee cap is swimming around in some kind of fluid right now and Iapos;m taking wonky sedative disinfecting pain killers, so Iapos;m ever so slightly dopey. Iapos;m not sure if I was in my right mind just now, because I decided to register and take part in NaNoWriMo. Omg. Also, I just had a rather busy week. I had exams in physics, French and English and Iapos;ve got a 3+ in physics, because I flonked an circuit diagram. Oh dear. Iapos;m pretty sure I did alright in English, though and French didnapos;t seem too bad.

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So, hereapos;s the thing, I�live a secret life. I struggle with Anorexia and I�am not able to tell anyone around me. I joined live journal in hopes to find a friend who has the same issues so that perhaps we can help each other. Life is not easy living with an ED. No matter how hard you try to ignore it, somehow it pops up in another way, another form when you least expect it. Perfection, that is what is expected of me but I�always fall short. I�try so hard to make others happy but in the end, I just end up hurt, confused and extremely tired. So, if you struggle with Ana and you want to chat, I�would love to hear from you. Until then, I send this message into cyber space, in hopes that someone will cross it that can understand.�


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Sooo... As I said in my last entry, Mom is mad at me, and because of that, wonapos;t let me work. Well, Iapos;m feeling a little bit more angry now. A couple days ago, I dropped off a Halloween card and a stuffed Bear for Monie, because I didnapos;t think Iapos;d be seeing her before I leave for Disneyland/Halloween, or if Iapos;ll ever see her again. Even though it was frustrating having to take care of her, I still have my own attatchments to her. Hence the card and the bear.

Now, last night, my mom calls me up, and in a very forced and sarcastic tone, asks me:

"Whatapos;s up?"
"Nothing."
"Uh huh. Well. I see you got Monie a card."
"Yeah."
"I donapos;t see why you couldnapos;t have brought it up yourself."
"It was early, I thought she would still be asleep, and I didnapos;t feel like talking to Angela."
"You were just trying to avoid me."
"Um. No, I wasnapos;t, because I knew you werenapos;t there, so how does that make sense?"
"Well, you could have just brought it up yourself."
"Well, mom, Iapos;m sorry that my good intentions werenapos;t good enough, but it had nothing to do with you anyway, it was for Monie, not you."
"Yeah, well, see ya."
"Bye."
"Bye, bye."

And that was the conversation in a nutshell. I thought it was rude, and it really dampened my spirits. I am feeling so angry towards her right now. Ugh. Itapos;s driving me crazy. She told me originally though that she really needed me to work for her tonight because she wants to go to some Hockey game. So I donapos;t know whatapos;s going on with that.

Sooo. I wasnapos;t exactly concerned. Because I had money saved for Disneyland, and about $100 in my checking, after I had paid my bills. Well. Apparently, WaMu decided to not say anything was pending, and so I thought everything had gone through, and I bought some grocaries and some coffees for me and Sarah (Dustinapos;s sis). Annnnd then everything came through, and I overdrafted. Then I overdrafted two more times for those two additional purchases. Then I overdrafted AGAIN simply because a fucking day had gone by where I didnapos;t pay the original overdrafts.

Fuck this. Just now, as in right this minute, I transfered all of my savings into my checking to cover the owed overdrafts. And it just fucking told me now I owe $10 to my savings because of some fucking thing called Excess Activity Fee. What the fuck is that? God damnit.

Anyway, so, having sent my savings to my checkings, that was my Disneyland food/spending money. And now itapos;s still not enough to cover my charges. I got a financial aid check yesterday that I was so happy to get, for $84, which I thought, yay, gas money for the trip But no. Now that will be deposited to cover the fucking rest of my fees.

Shoot me now. Please.

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I saw a picture on the internet today, and it reminded me of a memory, I think of going to a gym with my mom sometime when I was still in Chicago. I was trying to recall details, because I didnapos;t quite remember ever having done that, but couldnapos;t quite grasp the memory. I never thought that we had gone to a gym together, but we did, and it wasnapos;t a one-time deal, it may have been...ongoing?

It leaves me with a disturbing thought - how many other memories have I lost, how many bits and pieces of apos;this seems familiar, somehowapos;, and so many bits missing, and gone, forever, because I am the only one who can remember what it is.

Lost so many memories of childhood now, and of recent years. Scares me sometimes, because sometimes I have apparently done things that, upon someone else retelling me, simply does not seem like me, like another person who acted in my stead, although I may recall the incident, I have no notion why my past self behaved in such a way. Itapos;s like another person who acted in my stead, I feel disturbed about that, like I was possessed because I cannot understand that personapos;s motivations and thoughts.

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You know, I really want a single room, but on the other hand, can I afford to pay an extra $100 a month when I do get a job? D: I reeeeally like having a room of my own right now. I like the set-up, I like being able to stay up until 3AM if I want to without worrying about waking someone up, and Iapos;d hate to give that up to have someone I donapos;t know move in (theyapos;ll find someone, Iapos;m sure). I mean, Iapos;m still afraid that Iapos;m going to be stuck with someone I absolutely cannot stand, and theyapos;re going to yell at me for being here 24/7, and just... Ugh. But... I still donapos;t know if I can actually afford it. I mean, I donapos;t even know what Iapos;ll find for a job, and how much Iapos;ll get paid. I still have to go talk to the parents about getting money to last the rest of the semester -- I donapos;t want to have to bug them spring semester, too, just because I wanted a room of my own. Not when I had a cheaper option available to me. Itapos;s just selfish.

Baaah, I hate being broke.

*siiiigh* Guess I have no other choice. D: Why couldnapos;t he have asked before? Itapos;s going to be a pain in my ass after being here alone a month. >_>;; Itapos;s times like these where I really, really wish I owned a laptop... Thatapos;d solve half of my problems right there. I stay up late on the computer.

...I could go with the lab computers, I suppose, and start saving. *shrug* Although I do need to seriously stop with this 2:30-3AM bedtime. Iapos;m sure thatapos;d be a plus.

ANYWAY, yeah. I hate my finances. Just letting you know. XD
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